A Soldier On My Own (I Don't Know The Way)
by futurerustfuture-dust
Summary: Loki confronts Steve to ask him about his experiences in the ice, being out of time, and what it means to have a second chance. Follow up to: Love Until We Bleed (Then Fall Apart in Parts)


A/N: Lyrics come from the song "Iron" by Woodkid. Absolutely gorgeous, and so fitting for Avengers!Loki it isn't even funny.

Fic 20/50!  
I also want to apologize for how choppy this sounds; I've tried editing it but that's just the way it turned out. It's not my best but I'm still happy to get it out there, and I hope you like it either way =] This is also a follow up of the fic: Love Until We Bleed (Then Fall Apart in Parts) so I'd recommend reading that first though it's not necessarily required.

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"What was it like?"

Loki had just sat down opposite Steve cautiously, the blond man's face hidden from view by the paper in front of his face. It was the exact place he'd found him three weeks ago, when the Captain had asked to be taken over by the same mind-control magic that Loki had used on a slew of other mortals. The same magic that said Captain had managed to overcome entirely. They hadn't spoken since then, save for in passing or from across the dinner table when one needed the butter or salt, and Loki was, well, curious if the usually light-hearted man was still cross with him. True it was not very fair of Loki to have gotten so angry at him and frozen the man's hand without thinking, but he'd been incredibly put off at the idea that his magic was less than superior or effective against a man. A super soldier, yes, but a man nonetheless. It was almost insulting, and his rage had cost the carefully forged friendship they'd been working on.

Loki wanted to see if he'd consider rising above it. There were a great many things Loki wanted to ask him, and, well, he supposed that sitting across the table in the same place as before was a good start.

The top of the paper folded down and Steve's eyebrows rose as he looked at Loki. The trickster didn't move. "What was what like?" Steve finally asks and Loki lets out the smallest of breaths. Good. He's not ignoring him. Loki hated it when people did that and his reactions were generally . . . volatile.

"Being in the ice. I'm curious. I know what it's like to feel as though you are out of time, in a new world and, well, I know a thing or two about the cold." He allowed himself a quick chuckle that Steve didn't return. So this wouldn't be very easy, then. "I guess I just wanted to say that the ice incident was just that, an incident. I didn't mean to do it, it just sort of happened. Instinct I guess."

"Are you apologizing?" Steve asked, sounding as though he was trying to hold back his surprise. In all the time that he and Loki had interacted he'd never heard the man utter so much as a syllable of anything remotely like an apology. Even now Loki looked away, scowling.

"If that's what you wish to call it."

"Loki, if you want me to answer you're going to have to apologize. Properly." The shock and indignation on the black-haired man's face was enough to make Steve smile as he sat back in his chair, watching the conflicting emotions battle it out. Loki was curious, sure, but which would be more powerful and prevalent: his curiosity and need to know Steve's answers, or his pride?

"You'd better make it a good story," Loki muttered before taking a deep breath. "Steve, I am sorry for the discomfort my actions had caused you. They were unintentional and a knee-jerk reaction, I believe the expression is. Please, could you find it in your red, white, and blue heart to forgive me?"

Oh he'd definitely been spending far too much time with Tony, but for now Steve would take it. He smiled and nodded. "I accept. Thank you, Loki."

"Now get on with it." Silence. Steve's glance was enough to make Loki look away. "Please."

"Well, what do you want to know?" Steve asked. "All you told me was that you understood what it was like to feel displaced and you asked what it was like being in the ice. Is that all you want to know?"

"I suppose . . . and I'm curious about what happened afterwards. I know that they woke you up in a Shield safe house?"

"By pretending that I was still in the 1940s, yes. That didn't really go according to plan." Steve scratched the back of his head, feeling his cheeks heat up a little. He'd apologized to that poor girl for giving her a fright and she'd told him it was alright, that she understood, but he still felt awful. "Well, I guess I resigned myself to die for a good cause. I had no other route to take besides the one that would save the most people, and that was putting the jet in the water. Trying to land it would give the bombs time to detonate and put them closer to their targets and I wasn't about to take that risk. I didn't expect that the ice would preserve me. I never knew about cryogenics or even that it was possible, but the serum kept my heart and brain going long enough for the ice to bring me down to the right temperature I guess. Tony can tell you more about the science of it-."

"I'm not interested in the science. What was going through your head." He was leaning forward in his seat, looking very much entranced and interested, his mouth hanging open ever-so slightly. It was the same look Steve had seen the trickster give Natasha as she interrogated him, telling him about her life in order to gain insight about his plan. It was odd to see it so close, and even more strange to realize that he enjoyed this.

"I was afraid." Steve said after a moment. His hands balled into fists atop the table and his eyes, once they'd left Loki's, were fixed on a point at the table but not really seeing it. What he was seeing instead was how everything had gone suddenly blurry while he waited for the cold to kill him, saw the way his hands and limbs trembled rather than felt it because after some time he didn't feel anything anymore. It takes him a moment to realize he's saying all this aloud and not just thinking it. "I don't think I'd ever been so afraid in my life. And regretful. I'd just finally gotten a chance to go out on a date. A real date. We were going to go dancing." His chuckle is sad. "And all I could think of was the way Peggy would feel in my arms. How warm she'd be, how grateful I was that she was willing to give me a shot when no other gal would." There was a lump in his throat that made it hard to swallow, but he somehow managed. His hand flew up to his eyes to wipe them, having felt the water begin to bead in the corners of his eyes. He hated talking about Peggy but at the same time it felt, well, it felt good to get it all out. To finally say what was in the back of his mind for so long. And Loki did nothing but listen intently, his brow furrowed in a look of pitied understanding.

Steve never expected him to respond, the god's voice quiet and steady as it filled the silence. "I do not know how much my brother has told you about when I found out my true parentage, but I believe you are aware that I attempted to destroy an entire realm, and obviously it did not work?"

Steve nodded. Yes, Thor had told them all the story after Bruce had caught sight of a very blue Loki coming out of the lab, having just done his own experiments with a few of the chemicals. When confronted the god had changed back and explained that he wondered which would get colder, his skin or the liquid nitrogen.

"Well, when it did not work and the bifrost was destroyed my brother and I were hanging off of the wrecked remains of the rainbow bridge. Odin stood above us, holding Thor, who was holding onto me, and when I tried telling him that I tried what I had done for him, well, he finally let on that he didn't believe I could have done it. I felt like a failure and in that moment resolved to end my life. I could no longer bring honor to my family, the man I'd once called father did not believe me nor did he seem to want me around anymore, and I'd just tried killing the only brother I'd ever had, and without being able to see a way out I let go of the staff holding me to Thor, letting myself fall into a wormhole." The man took a deep, shuddering breath. Steve wondered just how many people he'd told that story to. "Obviously it didn't work," Loki continued quietly. "But I wished it had. As you said I resigned myself to death, thinking that I'd done all I could and now that I was useless I was to be cast aside anyway so why not do it myself?" He cleared his throat.

"And how do you feel about that now?" Steve asked, voice quiet, after the god hadn't said anything else.

"Some days are better than others," Loki admitted with a quiet laugh as he looked up, eyes catching Steve's. The soldier's hand reached out to slowly close over Loki's. He gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Just try and take it one day at a time, I guess." He offered. That's all he ever did and it was true that there would be good and bad days, but the good ones far outweighed the bad. He explained that to Loki, doing his best to assure him with a smile that things would turn out for the better. He had to hope they would, and he had to admit that it was nice to hear that he wasn't the only one feeling that way. Some days he just felt so alone. He murmured this last sentiment just loud enough for Loki to hear.

The man nodded. "I feel the same. Thank you, Steve."

Steve just smiled. "Hey, you're helping me as much as I'm helping you, and I appreciate it just as much." He gets up from his spot, leans backwards to crack his back with a quiet groan. "Is there anything else you want to talk about?"

A pause. "The woman, Peggy. What happened to her?"

Steve's face fell, his brow furrowing and his eyes turning away from Loki as his hands bunched at his sides. "She's still around. Living in England, in a nursing home. She, well, she didn't have the serum so age caught up with her." His words were so quiet that even Loki had to lean forward to listen to them.

"Did you ever go visit her?" He asked. "Did you ever try to go back? Can you?" He had to hope, had to wish that the Captain said yes. If he did, if Steve Rogers could return and pick up, perhaps not right where he left off, then Loki could too. Then there was hope for returning to the way things were.

"I don't want to." Steve said with the shake of his head. "I have to move on, to move forward and think about today. If I think too much about the past I'll get stuck there and no good can come of that. We have to adapt, don't we?" He asked, trying for a smile. It looked more like a sad grimace than anything else, pulling at Loki's heart.

"Oh," he murmured with a nod. "I suppose so. Would you ever try-."

"Hey, what're you two doing up so early?" Stark's sleepy voice came from the edge of the room, shocking Loki into silence. He hadn't anticipated that they might be interrupted, immediately clamming up as he stood and excused himself.

"Loki." Steve's voice was enough to stop him in the doorway. "Thanks for talking." There was a smile in his voice that the god didn't have to turn to see. He nods his understanding and continues out, retreating to his room to think.


End file.
